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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099421">Nothing Really Means Everything</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxholeshoyou/pseuds/foxholeshoyou'>foxholeshoyou</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All For The Game - Nora Sakavic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Andrew is bad with words but he really loves Neil, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Kissing, M/M, Matt is a good best friend, Neil Josten Loves Andrew Minyard, Neil has PTSD, Neil is emotional, Neil is sad for a bit, They just love eachother so much, but andrew helps, idk - Freeform, slightly OOC, they know eachother so well, they're just in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:20:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29099421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxholeshoyou/pseuds/foxholeshoyou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Neil?" Matt asked tentatively.</p>
<p>"I-i'm nothing." </p>
<p>"What Neil? No you're not you're-"</p>
<p>"Nathan said I was. My mom said I was. Andrew says I am. He says that we are nothing. Our relationship is nothing. I can't- I can't..." Neil's breathing becomes sporadic again, sobs racking his body as Matt tries and fails to hold him together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>253</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nothing Really Means Everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"But mom please I don't want to be nothing anym-" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Nathaniel's cheeks burned before he even registered the slap, his neck cracking at the force of the hit. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You are nothing. Survival is all that matters. We will run. We will keep running and never stop."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> "You hear me? Don't fucking cry." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You are nothing, you always will be." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Get up Nathaniel. We've stayed here too long. Time to go. Time to run."</em>
</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>The forgotten memory streamed into Neil's conciousness. So deep and forgotten that at first he thought it wasn't real. But then Andrew was echoing those same words to Neil, shoving his face away, not even an ounce of remorse on his face. And yeah, normally Neil would ignore that, because deep down he knew Andrew didn't mean it. But for some reason today the words hit their target like a knife in his gut. For some reason he couldn't get his mind to catch up with the truth. His heart was aching with the old wound that had somehow decided to reappear, and Andrew had unknowingly caused it, unknowingly ripped that old wound clean open again until Neil felt like he was bleeding out onto the roof. He was surprised when he looked down to his chest to see it unharmed, when it felt like it was shredded.</p>
<p>"No," Neil almost growled, getting up and darting to the far end of the roof, as far away from Andrew as he could get. His body was shaking, he panicked as he struggled to get oxygen in his system. Panic attack. Hyperventilation. His mind supplied him with the useless information of what was happening to him. He didn't care. He needed to get out. He needed to run. He needed to get as far away from Andrew as he could. He needed the ringing in his ears to stop, all he could hear was nothing nothing nothing. Nathan's voice. His mother's voice. Lola's voice. Andrew's voice. Nothing. He was nothing. He needed to stop forgetting that. Before Andrew could cross the roof's distance to get to Neil, Neil was sprinting, already halfway down the staircase and out of the dorms in under a minute.</p>
<p>Before Neil could make it out of the parking lot he was slamming into Matt.</p>
<p>"Woah Neil what are you-" Matt paused as he saw Neil shaking, as he saw the tears threatening to slip down his face. Before Matt could say another word Neil was falling to the ground, his entire body shaking. his breathing fast and short.</p>
<p>Matt kneeled down, "Neil. Breath. Just breath okay? In and out."</p>
<p>Neil barely registered Matt's words, clinging to his shirt like a lifeline. Matt scooted closer to Neil, holding him close. Matt took one of Neil's hands gingerly and pressed it to his chest, right over his heart.</p>
<p>"Just focus on my heart okay?" After long minutes Neil's breathing finally slowed. His body was still shaking, his face wet with tears.</p>
<p>"Neil?" Matt asked tentatively.</p>
<p>"I-i'm nothing."</p>
<p>"What Neil? No you're not you're-"</p>
<p>"Nathan said I was. My mom said I was. Andrew says I am. He says that we are nothing. Our relationship is nothing. I can't- I can't..." Neil's breathing becomes sporadic again, sobs racking his body as Matt tries and fails to hold him together.</p>
<p>"You can stay with me yeah? Lets go up to the dorm..." Matt murmured.</p>
<p>Matt helped pull Neil to his feet and they both trudged up to Matt's dorm, staying quiet the whole way up.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Neil blinked his eyes open to an unfamiliar but familiar room. Oh. Matt. He was staying with Matt. The memories from the day before flooded his mind and his heart ached. The heaviness was too much. The nothingness he felt was too much. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to face Matt's undeserved kindness, his pity. Neil went back to sleep.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Neil awoke to darkness and murmured voices through the bedroom door.</p>
<p>"I don't know. He hasn't come out yet. I don't want to push him.." Neil heard Matt say.</p>
<p>"Where's Andrew?" Dan asked.</p>
<p>"He-he um... he went to Eden's. Kevin texted me, said Andrew went to Eden's by himself about an hour ago."</p>
<p>Neil felt ice in his veins. He didn't want to hear it. Couldn't stomach hearing anything about Andrew right now. Neil couldn't bare the feeling of being so unwanted, such a burden. And that's what it boiled down to wasn't it? He was a burden. Always had been. A burden to Nathan, a burden to his mother, a burden to the foxes. Even Andrew could barely stand to keep him around. Even Andrew thought he was nothing. Didn't even bother to look for him.</p>
<p>Deep down Neil knew he was being unreasonable. That his mind was telling him lies. But he couldn't get a hold of his thoughts. He was falling and there was no end in sight. ~</p>
<p>Hours later Neil somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, drag himself into the kitchen for food. It tasted like ash.</p>
<p>The logical part of his brain knew that Andrew didn't mean it. He spewed the same shit all the time. It was just that Neil's past had caught up to him this time. Grabed him by the ankle and pulled him down until he was bruised and bleeding. He tried to tell himself that he was overreacting, Andrew didn't mean it. But his stupid head wouldn't listen. His stupid heart wouldn't listen. He figured he just needed a few more hours. Maybe a few more days. Without Andrew. Then maybe he would manage to get his head back on straight.</p>
<p>"Hey Neil. How are you feeling?" Matt asked as he slid into the seat across Neil at the dining table. Shit. Neil glanced up, realizing he had been aimlessly staring at the table for minutes now.</p>
<p>"I'm fine."</p>
<p>Matt sighed, "Andrew came by this morning."</p>
<p>Neil's heart constricted. "Oh."</p>
<p>"I told him you were asleep, to come by later. I can tell him you need another day or two if you'd like?"</p>
<p>"I don't know..." Neil mumbled. He didn't know anything right now. Maybe seeing Andrew would help. Neil was more afraid that seeing Andrew would make it worse.</p>
<p>"I love him." Neil blurted out before Matt could reply.</p>
<p>Matt smiled softly, "Yeah, I know."</p>
<p>"He would never tell me that. I don't expect him to. Andrew is... different. And I love <em>him. Drew.</em> Exactly the way he is. I don't want to ever make him feel like he has to feel things he doesn't or say things he isn't comfortable saying. But I... My head. It won't stop. It's my stupid past and my stupid family and I can't make it stop. And sometimes Drew just says things and I know he doesn't mean them but sometimes he sounds just like them and its... its too much. It was too much. I- It triggered something. A memory. I don't know... I just panicked. I can't tell him that. Because then he'll feel pressured and worried and he really didn't do anything wrong. It's just my stupid brain and I can't. I can't-"</p>
<p>"It's okay Neil. It's okay. Hey? I know that you know Andrew in a different way than I do. But I do know that he cares about you. So much. I don't think he would feel pressured by this. I'm sure he cares about how his words make you feel and how they relate to your past. I know he cares. I understand your fear of pressuring him, but Neil, as someone who loves you, I promise that none of us would ever feel that way. I know your head is telling you all sorts of things right now and I know i'm shit at advice but I promise we all care, and love you. And whether you're ready to talk to Andrew about it or not, i'm here." Matt said grabbing Neil's hand and squeezing.</p>
<p>"Thank you," Neil said, squeezing his eyes shut. "I should... I want-I want to talk to Drew. I-I don't have my phone..."</p>
<p>"I'll let him know," Matt said, giving Neil's had one last squeeze and taking their dishes into the kitchen.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Neil had been sitting in bed for a few hours now. Matt had helped sort out his head. Talking about it helped. Now he just needed to see Drew. And then the bedroom door was opening and Andrew was walking in, sitting next to Neil on the bed. Neil let out a breath. Relief. He hated having distance with Andrew. Even when he was the one who had caused it.</p>
<p>"Hey," Neil murmured. Andrew just looked at him, his golden eyes piercing.</p>
<p>Neil didn't know how to sort out his thoughts, "How was Eden's?" was all that came out.</p>
<p>Andrew huffed out a breath. Stared at Neil. Sighed. "Fine."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Neil laughed softly, rubbing his neck.</p>
<p>Andrew twisted to look at Neil more fully, "Neil."</p>
<p>Neil looked up at Andrew, got caught in his unflinching gaze. "Yeah?"</p>
<p>"This. Us. It's not like your past. Do you understand?" Andrew said seriously.</p>
<p>"I- Yes. I just... I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"Don't apologize. This is not your past. I am not here because I have to be, because you're something to be dealt with. I am not here to protect you anymore. I am here because I want to be here. With you. I chose you. I choose you every day. Got it?"</p>
<p>"Drew..." Neil said breathlessly. Somehow those words dissolved that memory. Dissolved the pain. Dissolved all the useless thoughts in his head. He knew that he would have trouble with his past, with how he was treated, for a long time. But Andrew was here and he understood and he chose him. It was more than Neil thought he deserved.</p>
<p>"Can I hug you?" Neil murmured. Andrew's eyes widened slightly in surprise but he nodded all the same.</p>
<p>Neil sighed as he was wrapped in Andrew's arms. The warmth and smell of Andrew seeping into him. "Thank you Drew," Neil whispered against Andrew's chest. Andrew just squeezed Neil tighter.</p>
<p>After a few minutes Andrew pulled back, took Neil's chin in his hand, "Yes or no?"</p>
<p>Neil smiled and nodded, leaning in to brush his lips against Andrew's. They kissed slowly for a while. Putting all the words they wouldn't say into that kiss. Putting all of their love for eachother into that kiss. Andrew pulled back to look at Neil after a while, stroked his cheek, Traced the shape of Neil's face with a fingertip.</p>
<p>"You're everything," Andrew murmured as he looked at Neil, as he traced the shape of him with his hands.</p>
<p>And yeah. Neil would be replaying that whispered confession in his head for a while.</p>
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